This is a post for the Insecure Writers Support Group .
All of my story-creating/writing life, I have suffered from a fear of detection. It works like this: if other people detect that I am making up stories in my head, they will become hostile and harshly critical to me because of it. I am living in a fantasy world, they will say. Proof that I have serious mental problems, they will say. As a child I once even went to a therapist who promised to cure me of my pathological fantasy life.
Perhaps it's because I have Asperger Syndrome--- undiagnosed until much later in life--- that my childhood self learned to see other people as only a source of pain. While the other children divided the kids around them into groups 'my friends' and 'not my friends', I divided it into 'people who throw rocks at me' and 'people who only call me names'.
Instead of friends, I had fictional characters. I made up stories about the characters in favorite TV shows: Star Trek, Dark Shadows, Hogan's Heroes, Batman, Wild, Wild West.... I started making up original characters for these head-stories, and that was probably the reason I began thinking of myself as a future writer. That and the example of Jo from Little Women.
But I never dared share any detail of my head-stories with another living soul. That would just add more ammunition to the outer world's campaign to reject me as too weird and substandard to be anything but an outcast.
Even when I grew to maturity and began writing things down, my fear of detection continued. Most of what I wrote was never seen by another living soul. The one science fiction story I wrote got a personal rejection letter when I sent it to a sci-fi magazine, but even though I knew that was a good thing, I never sent it out again.
For a brief time I wrote a humor column for a local newspaper that specialized in humorous things, but that wasn't a form of writing that touched my heart. It didn't matter if people liked that or not, so it felt safe to share that with others.
Now, having arrived at an age that most young people think is too old to be of interest, I am finally beginning to be ready to deal with my fear of detection. The other day, I experimentally posted a scene from a novel on this blog. I directed the attention of a few of my write-y friends to it, and I also gave a printed-out copy to my therapist (who's a Protestant pastor and a Kung-fu Master on the side).
Doing this gave me loads of destructive, self-hating and fearful thoughts that made yesterday an interesting day. And now, I'm fighting my fears even more: I'm participating in the Insecure Writers Support Group, talking about it, and sharing a link to my story-scene here: http://linalamont.blogspot.com/2013/09/flight.html
This means that I will not only be detected, I may be detected by complete strangers who have no reason not to vent negativity at my efforts if that is what makes them feel good about themselves. That's even more scary. And I wonder if doing this sharing will have a negative effect on my level of commitment to the story. Since no matter what reaction I get--- critiques, silence or praise--- I will still be convinced in my heart that every other person alive, looking at my work, will declare it substandard and stupid--- even if it is objectively well written. Since, after all, it comes from the brain of an outcast.
If you want to interact with me further, try visiting my Facebook writing page, where you can see many more pictures of the cute kitten in the photo above and her playmates.
http://www.facebook.com/NissaAnnakindt
Amazing, that you weren't diagnosed until later in life, and your writing is excellent, far from substandard. Thank you for your support, good to meet you. Carole.
ReplyDeleteI can't say I understand everthing that you've been through, but I was bullied a lot as a kid and that made me afraid to share anything personal, including my writing, with anyone, even my own family. I was always afraid that people would just make fun of me even more. It took a long time to get over that and I was 34 years old before I let anyone see something I had written outside a classroom setting.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is when you let other people see your writing it allows you to get feedback that will help you grow as a writer. I looked at the scene you posted and it seems like you're doing well so far. I just wish there was more so I could find out what's going on.
Thank you for sharing your story with us! It was touching and made me think about what it was like when I was a child. While I didn't go through the same things as you did, my fictional characters were some of my best friends, and my other siblings used to make fun of me for writing all the time, for living in a fictional world. But I love being in that world to this day! And I cherish my characters as I cherish my loved ones in real life.
ReplyDeleteI commend your bravery for letting us (strangers) into your life, and to read about your fears. You are progressing! :)
Best of luck to you!
This is an amazing group to belong to. You don't have to feel any fear of rejection, only nurturing. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I wonder if it would help free your mind if you used a pen name? River Fairchild is my new pen name - along with a new blog - which I did for reasons of turmoil in my personal life and marriage. It's a way of re-inventing myself and hopefully emerging as a butterfly down the line. Whatever you do, keep writing. I believe it's necessary for us who are inclined to storytelling. It's like breathing air for everybody else.
ReplyDeleteI came over here because I only just joined the ISWG, and I'm sampling blogs at random today.
ReplyDeleteYour post was very touching, and this is why:
I used to do (and still do, a bit) the same thing. When I was a kid, I had a paper route, and I used to walk or ride my route and in my head I'd think up all these amazing stories, carrying on adventures from my D&D group with friends, or building on stories from comics I'd read, interspersing the two together. I can still recall some of those storylines and character names.
As I got older, I began writing stories and sharing them with people. I've never really feared rejection of my written stories -- but I don't tell many people about the fact that I spent my childhood making up ENTIRE LEGENDS -- seriously, I had one story that went from this guy just being an adventurer in the forest to ending up being a paladin who fights this giant demon to save the world.
(I should probably go write that.)
My ability to think stories up in my head has always been a treasured skill. My ability to write them down and share them with people is one I like, too. I'm going to go check out your story and see whether I like it. I bet I will.
An imaginaton is a treasure. Remember that.
ReplyDeleteHi Nissa
ReplyDeleteYou certainly have a struggle and I applaud you for overcoming your fears. I used to be the moderator in a critique group for over 20 years in the writers association here. You can introduce people however you like as long as it isn't confusing. I read your sample and I was pulled into the story immediately. I can tell that you have made a concerted effort to learn the writing craft and that you've done well. There will always be critics. People who out of jealous or misguided intention slam other writers. I've had my share. I am equally insecure for other reason than what you posted and crave praise for my writing. Even after all this time, if someone is harsh it can sometimes prevent me from continuing the story. There are writers that think the only way to grow is to be extremely critical. I disagree. I think the best way to grow is to learn why something doesn't work in a compassionate way.
Nancy
Thanks, folks, for all the supportive comments, it is really encouraging.
ReplyDeleteI actually have tried using a pen name, Inae Kyo or Inae Kehoe, at a time when I hoped to be able to get published by major New York publishers by disguising aspects of my point-of-view, but I've learned that disguising stuff just doesn't work for me, so I'm going the indie writer route at first.
You took the first step - that is huge!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your story. Fortunately with this group, you have nothing to fear. We are all insecure writers and respect that in each other. Thanks for joining and welcome.