IWSG: Writing While Depressed

This post is for the Insecure Writer's Support Group blog hop.

Recently my therapist told me I'm depressed. Don't know why he thinks THAT--- maybe it's that during that session I was talking about death all the time? But anyway, I've come to agree with him on the depression thing and so lately I've been coping with Writing While Depressed.

Now, my writing life is pretty messed up already--- first, because of my Asperger Syndrome, and second because of my ongoing struggles with writer's block. In observing myself and my writing process, I think clinical depression adds something to the mix.

In non-depressed times, when starting a writing project, I usually have a few really good, upbeat days when I very much believe in my project and don't have any particular doubts about it. When Writing While Depressed, I have ideas for writing projects that I believe are objectively as good as any others I've had, yet on the very day the ideas occur to me I begin to have 'this idea is dreck' self-talk flitting around my head.

I try to tell myself that this is just the depression talking. And my depression really has got to stop swearing in Yiddish. So far this has helped me to hold on to the writing project in question in spite of the doubts.

Because this writing project is my first attempt at the mystery genre, I'm following the exercises in Writing Crime and Suspense Fiction by Lesley Grant Adamson in order to get the outlining/plotting done. I think of it kind of like an experienced writer is taking my hand and leading me through the world of building a mystery story.

Instead of working out this preliminary stuff on my computer, I'm using a composition book and writing with my lucky purple-ink gel pens. This seems to be a good way of doing it, except that Ender the kitten keeps jumping in my lap and wanting to sit on the composition book.

I'm also fighting the depression's effects with by starting the writing day with exercise. Due to the current Wind Chill Apocalypse I can't go outside and walk, but I put on loud music and the house and pace briskly for a half-hour.

I'm also thinking of breaking out my Lawrence Block 'Affirmations for Writers' audio and playing it. It's a bit on the New-Agey side but there is nothing that really goes off the deep end in it, and I think it does make me feel more confident about my writing.

In a number of how-to-write books I've read that when suffering writer's block one must always remember that it ends. Which doesn't feel all that true in my case, but this depression-induced supercharged writer's block will certainly end, as the depression will end (and come back--- did I mention I'm depressed?)

One thing that HAS perked me up is that since I'm writing a novel centered around a crime, it gives me a great excuse to wallow in all the true-crime books and television programs I like--- because it's research, you see. True stories of murder have been one of my Special Interests since I was a kid and sneaked a peek into some old books about Leopold and Loeb, and the Boston Strangler. Reviving this Special Interest helps me to have a more positive attitude toward my writing project, as anything strongly connected to a Special Interest is something I can feel positive about.

A final factor in Writing While Depressed is that I am far more conscious of being an isolated writer. In fact, depression makes me a more isolated writer than usual since I'm less likely to seek out some semblance of contact with other writers on Facebook and such. In me depression generates a lot of self-talk about how other people don't care for me and never will, and if people don't like me in person why would I expect them to like my writing? I also tend to isolate myself from God, avoiding prayer and even thinking about prayer, though I have forced myself to watch the daily Mass on EWTN a few times (a great 'pill' for depression).

Well, this has turned into a depressing post, hasn't it? But the upbeat part of it that I cling to is that depression isn't forever, even when it feels that way. Even in the worst part of a depression you can always be surprised by a fleeting moment of optimism or good cheer. Cherish those moments. And know that things will get better.

Unless there's a zombie apocalypse. I hate it when there's a zombie apocalypse.

Are you undergoing any special writing challenges right now? How do you cope? Or not cope?

My Facebook writing page:
http://www.facebook.com/NissaAnnakindt

IWSG: Can YOU Be A REAL Writer?

This is a post for the Insecure Writer's Support Group. Visit the link to find other participants and read their posts, or to sign up yourself.

In the watches of the night, when you are close to a panic attack just THINKING about your writing career, one of the things that oppresses you is the awareness of the vast army of would-be writers out there. You look at Writer's Market and discover that at your favorite fiction periodical, they receive 10000 submissions and accept 10 and you think it's hopeless.

Only it isn't. A great many people have writing dreams, only a few have writing PLANS. And only a few of them have the capacity to realize writing plans. Not everyone is cut out to be a writer. Just think of all the folks out there who are under the impression that writing is easy work and always pays off in exactly the same way writing did for Stephen King. These people may not have read a book since high school, may never actually have TRIED to write even a flash-fiction story, but they still say 'I'll be a great writer someday. When I have time.'

People say a would-be writer should believe in himself. But let's get logical. Many who say they want to write a book someday SHOULDN'T believe in themselves, as writers, because they are just not the sort of people who become professional writers.

Should YOU believe in yourself-as-writer? There are signs that you can observe in yourself that might hint that you can. If you read the biographies of famous writers and find many things you can identify with, that's a good sign. And here are some other things to look out for:

1. A story-making mind.  This starts in childhood. Most writers start writing down little stories at an early age, in one form or another. This can depend much on the child's parents and teachers, though. The important thing is that stories are being MADE. Sometimes in simple, childish writing, sometimes in doll and toy play, sometimes kept hidden in the mind where grownups cannot correct and mock.

2. An affinity for English. This doesn't mean 'straight As in English class.' It means that, usually from early on in the learning-to-write stage, you knew almost instinctively how to write an English sentence which could be easily understood. Not a convoluted sentence or one with an essential word missing. Usually this means you have internalized the essential rules of English grammar, even if you couldn't name the rules to save your life.

3. A way with words. The difference between the right word and the almost-right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. Potential real-writers know this without Mark Twain having to tell them so. Not only that, they have a feel for words, they can tell when a word in a sentence is not-quite-right, and they will know the right word when they find it.

4. An addiction to books. Movies, television series, radio plays and comic books are no substitute for books in the writer's early life. Sometimes being a fan of a television series or movie may be what inspires the young writer to begin writing. But if you have not been compulsively reading books since before you were old enough that the schools would permit you to start reading, you don't speak the language of books as your native language. You should have been reading every sort of book you could lay hands on--- non-fiction, all genres of fiction, and even ventures into good literature. When you were out of reading material, you should have tried mom's gothic romance and dad's World War 2 books--- or even read the back side of the breakfast cereal box. Extra points if you actually had a fight with a sibling over who got to read the breakfast cereal box.

5. A growing awareness of story-rules. The various forms of story-telling have rules, and these rules are often not written down. The future real-writer absorbs some of these rules and begins to use them even in all-in-the-head stories not intended for writing-down. For example, in my childhood, TV shows did not use curse words, not even hells and damns. They didn't show characters going to the bathroom or vomiting 'onstage'. In my early childish fantasies using TV characters, I followed some of those rules, not really knowing why. The rules of books today are different, and different book markets have different sets of rules--- think about the rules for writing a gay character in Christian fiction, and the different rules of secular mainstream fiction. And there is another kind of rules, not subject to change, about the right way to tell a story, the rules for character and plot and theme.

6. A self-correcting mechanism. In schools, writing is taught in a way to turn it from an individual pursuit into a group activity. We write essays on a theme chosen by teacher, and teacher and our classmates tell us if we have done it right or wrong, based on any sort of criteria they chose--- for example, these days, any story with a gun in it is a very badly written story. New writers try to recreate that sort of safe group-activity environment with writing classes and critique groups. But the future real-writer is too much of an individual voice to go along with such constraints. He knows what he is trying to do in any given story and has learned to tell when he is doing it and when he isn't, and he isn't going to change because an amateur critiquer likes something that's bad or hates something that's good. (He will, however, change things for the editor at his publishing house.) Note: this 'self-correcting mechanism' is one thing that may lead you to be an insecure writer. You can see your own mistakes--- an essential skill, but it doesn't build your confidence the way NOT seeing your own mistakes does.

7. Growth as a writer. If you are not growing and improving in your writing skills, you are moving backwards, as a person standing still on a moving treadmill does. If you have real-writer potential, no matter how low your self-confidence you can look at something you wrote ten years ago and something you wrote today, and see improvement. This growth comes mostly by compulsive reading, and compulsive writing.

8. An interest in the writing life. For me, it began when I read Little Women, and identified with Jo, the tomboy sister who loved to write and grew up to be a writer. That was when I first decided I would be a writer. If you have always loved to read fiction where the main character is a writer, or biographies of real-world writers, if you have read Writer's Digest or how-to-write books before anyone ever told you to, this means you have this natural interest in the writing life.

How did you do?

If you read through this article and all 8 points describe you quite well, that means that no matter how insecure you are about your writing, if you are willing to do the work you have every chance of writing success. Your assignment--- get out some writing paper and a pen, and write down all the things in your own life, on each of the 8 points, that show you have what it takes to be a writer. When you are feeling insecure, pull it out and read it over to yourself.

If you read through the list and some points describe you and some do not, you are not hopeless. But if you want to be confident of success, you need to turn some 'no' answers into yeses. Your assignment is divided--- for the points which already apply to you, do the assignment above and write down how the points apply to your life. For the points which don't--- make a plan to change things. If you don't have much of a command of English, find remedial books, perhaps intended for grade school kids, and work through them. Get improve-your-word-power books if you don't have a way with words. If you aren't much of a reader now, start a program to get yourself reading.

But what if you went through the list and feel that you are hopeless? If you are REALLY a 'no' answer on all 8 points, get out a paper and pen and do some written self-talk about why it is you thought about being a writer in the first place. If you are really a non-writing type, chances are you had some misconception about writing--- that it's easy money, or that it's an easy way to win respect, or some such. If this makes you discover you really don't want to be a writer after all, that's a good discovery. You are now free to explore other possibilities that are a better fit with your skills. Perhaps you will become a great painter or rock musician or plumber or electrician--- these are all worthy goals.

If you have made yourself say 'no' to all eight points and it breaks your heart, it may be your low self-esteem at work. When you say 'no' to 'an addiction to books' you may mean you don't read as much as some other person, or you don't read 'highbrow' literature, or some such. If this is your problem, get out your pen and paper and go through all eight points, exploring the ways in which they DO apply to you, even if only slightly and in ways that 'don't count'. IGNORE the possibility that you are deceiving yourself. If not being a writer REALLY breaks your heart, you probably DO have a real-writer personality buried under all that self-doubt. Read what you wrote on the eight points every day to encourage you to believe in your writerly nature.

What if you do NOT suffer from low self-esteem, have said a 'no' on all eight points, but are still determined to be a writer? Is it hopeless? It might well be--- unless you are incredibly bull-headed, and willing to put in extra hours of work every day into your writing, your reading program, and a study program to improve your English and vocabulary skills.

NOTE: in my eight points, one thing I did NOT mention was writing and writing habits. That is for a reason. Sometimes a successful writer does NOT write compulsively from childhood on. Perhaps there is a fear that the in-the-head stories, once written down, will be subject to vicious and unfair criticism. You do need to get over those fears to be a writer--- but a person with a real-writer personality may take a while to get to that point.

My Facebook writing page:
http://www.facebook.com/NissaAnnakindt

IWSG: Humble Writing Projects

 Written for the Insecure Writer's Support Group blog hop.

 It's National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), and so it's time for my annual re-read of 'No Plot? No Problem' by Chris Baty, founder of NaNo. And what struck me on this read-through is the value of having a humble estimation of your writing project.

While trying to write a first draft at a rapid pace, it can be FATAL to decide you are working on the Great American Novel. You will constantly be tempted to stop/slow down to get every word just right. It will seem like a good idea to skip two or three writing days in order to do research on a few minor things for your story, to make sure everything is just right.

The NaNo approach isn't about sitting down to write great literature and getting everything right. It's about getting things WRITE. It's OK to write second-or-third rate prose for NaNo. It's OK to use Thuggy for a minor thug character's name and plan to give him a real name in the rewrite. It's OK to write INSERT CLEVER PLOT THING HERE and move on.

The NaNo goal--- 50000 words in a month--- seems insane for the inexperienced writer, but it actually works out to the sort of writing pace many of the best professional writers do routinely, at least during their youthful, energetic career phase. A number of writers have written decent novels in the period required or less. In fact, some in their heyday could do a write and rewrite of a 50000 word genre novel in a month after they had a bit of writing experience.

Many writers who did this were working on forms of fiction they thought of as 'potboilers'. Lawrence Block, the mystery writer, famously wrote a lesbian novel as his first published novel, and went on to write soft-core porn novels to pay the rent while also writing mystery short stories.

By giving yourself permission to write imperfect fiction, you are giving yourself the needed permission to WRITE. Even great novels are not perfect, and were even less perfect in the first draft.

Fear of error is a great source of insecurity for writers. For me, at an early age I somehow internalized the idea that making a mistake--- in writing or in other things--- was close to unforgivable. In school I often failed to complete writing assignments to avoid the shame of having my errors exposed--- even though my writing skill was ahead of that of my classmates.

By deciding that my current work in progress is NOT great literature, but more of a potboiler, perhaps closer to a writing exercise in combining incompatible genres (gothic romance, science fiction), I am able to reduce my overwhelming anxiety when sitting down to write. Yeah, I still have this sick feeling that I'm about to have a panic attack when I just think about sitting down to write, but this counters it a bit.

So, that's it about my humble and insignificant writing efforts. How are YOURS coming along?

My page at NaNoWriMo:
http://nanowrimo.org/participants/ilsabein
My Facebook writing page:
http://www.facebook.com/NissaAnnakindt

Insecure Writer’s Support Group Blog Hop | Renee DeAngelo

Insecure Writer’s Support Group Blog Hop | Renee DeAngelo

Please click on and visit the link above, a new participant in the Insecure Writer's Support Group.
 
One thing that makes me better at being an insecure writer is that should I ever come to realize that I am good at doing a certain thing, that thing becomes trivial and not worth doing.

Take my poetry. I started seriously writing poetry in 1988, and began submitting to poetry zines. In 1989 I was first published. I accumulated quite a volume of poetry written in those first 3 years. But once I realized I was good at it, I decided poetry wasn't what 'real' writers did, and so for the next few years wrote the opening chapters of about two dozen novels instead of poetry.

The advantage of writing  novel beginnings destined never to have endings is that no one can read them and judge them harshly. And I don't like being judged harshly. Somehow I was able to overcome that fear and submit to poetry zines for a while. And I blog poems and self-published a book (which is currently being revised and expanded). I suppose it is 'safe' for me to do that with poems because Poetry Doesn't Count, No One's Buying Poetry.

So I am a poet now. But then there's this.

I have been reading about a kind of Japanese poem called a haibun. The haibun is a haiku combined with a section of prose. The two, poetry and prose, compliment one another and are a unified work. I have just written my first haibun recently.

And in the novel I'm currently just beginning, I started things off with a haiku. And then the chapter continues in prose. Which will make the whole novel, in my mind at least, a haibun. A poem. And poems are something it's safe for me to write, finish and share with others.

Pretty sneaky, huh?



Please consider 'liking' us on Facebook.
http://www.facebook.com/NissaAnnakindt

IWSG: Fear of Detection

This is a post for the Insecure Writers Support Group . 

All of my story-creating/writing life, I have suffered from a fear of detection. It works like this: if other people detect that I am making up stories in my head, they will become hostile and harshly critical to me because of it. I am living in a fantasy world, they will say. Proof that I have serious mental problems, they will say. As a child I once even went to a therapist who promised to cure me of my pathological fantasy life.

Perhaps it's because I have Asperger Syndrome--- undiagnosed until much later in life--- that my childhood self learned to see other people as only a source of pain. While the other children divided the kids around them into groups 'my friends' and 'not my friends', I divided it into 'people who throw rocks at me' and 'people who only call me names'.

Instead of friends, I had fictional characters. I made up stories about the characters in favorite TV shows: Star Trek, Dark Shadows, Hogan's Heroes, Batman, Wild, Wild West.... I started making up original characters for these head-stories, and that was probably the reason I began thinking of myself as a future writer. That and the example of Jo from Little Women.

But I never dared share any detail of my head-stories with another living soul. That would just add more ammunition to the outer world's campaign to reject me as too weird and substandard to be anything but an outcast.

Even when I grew to maturity and began writing things down, my fear of detection continued. Most of what I wrote was never seen by another living soul. The one science fiction story I wrote got a personal rejection letter when I sent it to a sci-fi magazine, but even though I knew that was a good thing, I never sent it out again.

For a brief time I wrote a humor column for a local newspaper that specialized in humorous things, but that wasn't a form of writing that touched my heart. It didn't matter if people liked that or not, so it felt safe to share that with others.

Now, having arrived at an age that most young people think is too old to be of interest, I am finally beginning to be ready to deal with my fear of detection. The other day, I experimentally posted a scene from a novel on this blog. I directed the attention of a few of my write-y friends to it, and I also gave a printed-out copy to my therapist (who's a Protestant pastor and a Kung-fu Master on the side).

Doing this gave me loads of destructive, self-hating and fearful thoughts that made yesterday an interesting day. And now, I'm fighting my fears even more: I'm participating in the Insecure Writers Support Group, talking about it, and sharing a link to my story-scene here: http://linalamont.blogspot.com/2013/09/flight.html

This means that I will not only be detected, I may be detected by complete strangers who have no reason not to vent negativity at my efforts if that is what makes them feel good about themselves. That's even more scary. And I wonder if doing this sharing will have a negative effect on my level of commitment to the story. Since no matter what reaction I get--- critiques, silence or praise--- I will still be convinced in my heart that every other person alive, looking at my work, will declare it substandard and stupid--- even if it is objectively well written. Since, after all, it comes from the brain of an outcast.

If you want to interact with me further, try visiting my Facebook writing page, where you can see many more pictures of the cute kitten in the photo above and her playmates.
http://www.facebook.com/NissaAnnakindt

IWSG: From Insecure Writer to Insecure Facebook Author-Page Admin

This is my post for The Insecure Writer's Support Group, and the topic is how I went from being an insecure writer to being an insecure Facebook author-page admin.

We have all heard about how modern writers have to have a platform. And evidently that wooden platformy thing in my back yard does not count.

Many writers now have author Facebook pages in addition to their Facebook accounts. It's the kind of page a fan can 'like' rather that having to send in a friend request for. I knew I would make one some day. But I started a few other Facebook pages before I got the courage to make one for me-as-author.

One rule for Facebook page success was hard for me to learn: being controversial gets attention and so is good. My most successful Facebook page has the following title: We Support Traditional Marriage--- And We're Gay. Just listen to the sound of heads exploding over that one! And for all the controversy--- and the occasional hate troll who calls me a liar, moron and fraud and a few other words we won't get in to here--- I got some 545 'likes' on that page and a lot of supportive new friends.

An author Facebook page is harder especially if you don't have much published yet. I came up with the page-name: Nissa Annakindt, writer, Aspie, cat person. I decided that in addition to stuff about my writing, I would put up cat pictures--- I'm well supplied with cats--- and stuff about Doctor Who. And also stuff about Western fiction which is my current obsession.

One thing I do is post quotes from a book I'm reading, and then give the author and book title, and perhaps a bit of reaction. I thought that might be attractive to people who enjoy books and reading.

The hard thing about a new Facebook page is getting new 'likes'. It was SO frustrating at first! What I did was I 'used Facebook as' the page, and 'liked' a lot of pages I was interested in so I would have a good newsfeed. I then commented--- as the page--- on items of interest.

But it went so SLOW! I was stuck at 6 likes for the longest time. I complained that even my much-neglected Facebook page in Esperanto took off more quickly than that.

I keep working at it. I find new things to share, and comment on others' pages. I make memes--- like the one at the top of the page. I added my page to a list of author Facebook pages and blogs on a writer's group on Facebook. I'm up to 28 'likes' now.

But I've learned from my most successful Facebook page that it doesn't always start out quickly. You work at it for a long time, and it seems no one notices. And then, overnight, someone with clout does, and shares it with others, and things start to take off. And that can be scary, too. You have to learn to deal with trolls, among other things--- mentally troubled people who visit Facebook pages in order to hurl abuse at people. The first time that happened, I felt like crying. Now when I see the troll-fairy has left some hate-comments overnight, it's like taking out the trash--- just one more chore to deal with.

I would like to recommend, at this point, that when YOU have a Facebook page you set a strict troll policy--- when they resort to swearing and name calling and abuse, they are banned and the comment removed. The same with the persistently hostile. If people go to your page to disagree with you, expect them to be civil.

Anyway, that's what I have to say about my adventure into having a Facebook author page. I hope I've said something you can use. :)

Please consider 'liking' us on Facebook, so you can view our awesome kitten pictures and Doctor Who memes.
http://www.facebook.com/NissaAnnakindt

IWSG: Fear of Writing Failure

Insecure Writer's Support Group

It's the beginning of a new month, and the beginning of a new writing project for me. But for me that brings fear of failure. I all too often start a writing project with high hopes, only to fail to finish it. And as time goes by with more failures I keep asking myself, why would I ever begin to believe there will be a success?

And so I don't mention my WIP to anyone since deep down I'm sure that in seven days time the project will be abandoned. Forgotten.

But this month I've decided I DO believe in myself. I WILL talk about my WIP: It's called "On Tejas Trails" and it's a juvenile fiction (YA) novel set in a magical realm called 'Empire Tejas' which was settled largely by Texans and cowboys from our own world's Old West. So, yes, it's a mash-up of Western and Fantasy genres. Plus being Catholic fiction and dealing with the issue of same-sex attraction, and probably the issue of Asperger Syndrome as well.

My main character is seventeen-year-old Katterina Malloy, daughter of a rancher who has inherited the family gift of talking to horses (and other animals). She takes a talisman meant to turn a commonplace, soft man into a heroic man of the frontier. Wearing it, she is perceived as a man. Her much-older brother becomes angry and is determined to take the talisman from her and have her taken away to an asylum. Warned by her elderly father, she flees the ranch with some ranch hands and a strongbox full of treasure to start a new horse-breeding ranch on the farthest frontier, a task which she will begin by the taming of a legendary dapple-gray stallion. I don't have a name for the horse yet. Which is bad because the most important thing in a Western is to have a cool name for the horse.

I am going to be posting a small description of my WIP on my sidebar as a token of my decision to believe in myself and my WIP, if only for this month. It's kind of like giving up on self-doubt for a month--- like the time I gave up having Asperger Syndrome for Lent. (My therapist gave it back to me.)

Have you experienced writing failures and fear it happening again? Have you overcome it? Are you trying to?

This is what the stallion in 'On Tejas Trails' looks like. Maybe mane and tail are lighter or darker than in this picture, I haven't decided for sure. Have any good horse-names to suggest?